why do i feel like this evrytime before i hav to go back?...its this sick sinking feeling...its the kindda feeling wher ei feel i've been trapped and no matter wher ei turn i'll only run into a dead end. This dead end isnt like any other...i'll b facing a mirror at some,looking back at my scared terrified face and at the others i'll b staring out at the world from behind this huge huge glass wall..*smiles*..one way or the other...those dead ends will show me that i am trapped.
trapped...i am trapped...
trapped by my love, my hate, my petty worries and my shallow insecurities.
trapped because i am alone and never being able to make peace with that fact,
trapped because in ways i chose to be so,wishing i didnt have to b this way.
why do i do this?..i cut out everyone i know in pune once i come back here...and slowly i cut out the ppl outside my house,then i cut out the ppl i am close to...and a few days b4 i leave...i'm all alone..reading or watching tv like a mindless drone,or staying online for hours making sure i'l neve b at the place people will run into me. I meet people..i do..when i meet them the she"ll takes over..laughing and smiling...acing pissed when she's supposed to..swatting at ppl when she isi rritated..but its like im on auto-pilot..
this time i will go back and see if i run on auto-pilot in pune as well..i guess in ways i do...tune out things that i have no intrest in knowing..ppl keep telling me i switch off at times..they laugh at it...they think its funny...they think it's part of my spaz self...it scares me...coz i retreat into my mind..talking to ppl that stopped existing ages back,talking to ppl i have never met b4,talking to ppl that only i know off..*laughs*....i can spend days just by myself..making up worlds..thinking about the past..worrying about the future,thinking of things that can happen,thinking..thinking...forgetting what is being said...ignoring what is being said at other times...it's like the world outside my mind is ceasing to exist..that scares me....everytime i go back..i pray..i pray that i find someone that can get me out of this..that can make me leave my shell behind....*sigh*
i dont want to b like this..i want to smile, i want to laugh..i want to feel alive..i used to not vry long ago..b4 i would not b ok being liek this..i would worry...but i dunno if it's a strenght or a weakness that i dont feel like that anymore.
no matte rhow much i hate going back..i know i will.if i have to run on auto-pilot..i know i will..if that's what take sme to survive..i will do it..i have to learn to b ok with it...but that doesnt stop me from hoping..wishing that someday...someday i wont have to
someday it will all b ok
ZODIAC SIGN DETAILS
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Born on Friday, December 30, 1988
Age 18 years 10 months 11 days
You have lived 6,889 days!
(Warning: Your system date must be set to the current date)
Symbol: The Goat
Ruling Planet: Saturn
Earth - Cardinal - Negative
Night Forces - Feminine
Growth Phase: Experience
Secret Motivation: "I Use"
CAPRICORN IN A NUTSHELL
The sign of the Priest, the Administrator
Personality: Hard-headed and practical, ambitious, suspicious, resentful, diplomatic, reserved, selfish, orthodox, determined and unscrupulous.
Positive Qualities: Practical and efficient, steadfast, helpful, strength of character, logical, quiet and reserved, hardworking.
Negative Qualities: Suspicious and cold, selfish, inhibited, pessimistic, obstinate and resentful, hard-headed.
PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER
Hard, shrewd, diplomatic, practical, pessimistic, opportunistic, down-to-earth. Fixed in love. Adaptable in work. Just in aim. Uses means to ends. Deals in facts, figures, time, order and precision. Tangibles and tangibles only. Respects those who are in position to grant favors! Cool emotions. Trouble-shooter. Gets better with age.
KARMIC MISSION
To lead - in a material, secretive, reflective and strategic manner.
ENERGY PATTERN
Each of the 12 Signs of the Zodiac represents specific energy patterns, or modes of expression. They act as modifiers of the elements with which they are associated, be it a Planet or a House. Capricorn is self-discipline and austerity seeking integrity and moral courage.
INFLUENCE OF THE PLANET
Those born under Capricorn and Aquarius are the Saturn type. You have a small head, beady and deep-set eyes, with prominent ears and nose. You have a weak set of teeth, and thin and lifeless hair. Slow in movement, you are conservative and methodical with serious outlook. Deeply faithful, you also have a sense of duty. However, you are not sociable and prefer solitude.
DECAN INSIGHT
Each zodiac sign extends across 30 degree of the Zodiac. These can be further subdivided into three decans of 10 degree each. Therefore, though all those born under a particular sign are classified under the same sign, the decans yield further insight into your total personality.
You belong to the First Decan of Capricorn (December 22 - January 1).
Your ruler is Saturn. Saturn is very powerful at its maximum operative force. This is an ideal decan for engineers, industrialists, contractors, empire builders and politicians. Anything connected with land and houses is to your ultimate financial advantage. A resigned, stoical attitude is also seen.
CAPRICORN LOVE MYSTERY
Capricornians are not the greatest of lovers. They are more the providers, craving security themselves and providing it for their mates. You are really not up to showering attention on people. You are conscientious, but a little too dry for romance. The solid benefits are all very well - such as home, financial security, comfort, position, children - in fact all the good things of life. But there has to be a little romance, a little bit of tender loving care also. Learn to give. Your inbuilt inhibitions need some emotional release. Learn to live life fully. Give the persons in your life attention, reassurance and love also. Just being conscientious is not enough. Get involved with life!
SEXUAL CHARACTERISTICS
Sex plays an important role in the life of every man and woman. It lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to revere life until we know how to understand sex. Indian astrological science attributes certain sexual characteristics to persons according to the sign under which they have been born.
You are ascetic in your ways towards your partner, and in sex as well. You make a good partner, but are rather cold and sparing in your sex life.
AS A FRIEND
You will be faithful and reliable once the initial hurdles are crossed. You are not too polished or very tactful or you may have an unfortunate tendency to snobbery which you ought to try to overcome.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER SIGNS
The following section tells you about your compatibility with other zodiac signs in friendship, business, family or love relationships. The basic foundation will remain unchanged, though mutual aspects between planets will modify the relationship to a certain extent in a positive or a negative way.
Ideal Association (5-9 Sun Sign Pattern): Taurus and Virgo
Not always, but surprisingly often, the extraordinary magnetism of 5-9 Sun sign attraction leads to easy sympathy, mental stimulation, emotional affinity, romantic fulfillment. There will be a strong sympathy between you and misunderstandings will not be severe or lasting. The chances for harmony are excellent, and a happy relationship on a permanent basis is more effortlessly achieved than with any other sign - be it friendship, business, family or love relationships. Hostile placement of planets between the two horoscopes will cause some personality clashes and tensions - causing the compatibility to rock from time to time - although the basic empathy and understanding will always remain. If the planets are in harmonious aspect, your relationships with these people will be most extraordinarily happy, smooth and sympathetic.
Ideal Association with some Problems (7-7 Sun Sign Pattern): Cancer
Not always, but frequently, you either get physically attracted to or secretly admire and respect each other - in case of opposite sex. The individual possesses the qualities of character and personality traits you yourself lack. The urge to imitate will be strong. However, in case of same sex, you may become strongly competitive and feel uneasy or envious. Mutual aspects between other planets somewhat modify the relationship positively or negatively.
Compassionate Association (2-12 Sun Sign Pattern): Aquarius
In your association with this individual, one of you will feel that he or she has many lessons to learn from the other. The one who has lessons to teach will feel an inexplicable compassion for the weaknesses and mistakes of the other person, strangely understanding the other's markedly different motives and behavior.
Favorable Association (3-11 Sun Sign Pattern): Scorpio and Pisces
You will feel a strong tie of friendship, whatever the association you share with these individuals. Mutual trust and ease of communication mark the relationship. In spite of strong differences, you connect closely with each other. A sense of responsibility and some sort of inescapable duty will bring you together. You will constantly stimulate each other into changing habits and existing situations. Any quarrels will usually be quickly resolved, forgiven and forgotten. Even when the association seems to be a closed chapter, it reappears months or years later, to be resumed once more.
Beneficial Association (6-8 Sun Sign Pattern): Gemini and Leo
There will be some problem in communication. Yet you will be powerfully drawn into each other. Irresistible sexual attraction in case of a love relationship. In case of friendship, business or family ties, attraction through some shared interest. Urge for mutual help. Service given will always be repaid. In some way, a great benefit will come from one to the other through the relationship, and the one who serves will usually remain loyal.
Reflective Association (1-1 Sun Sign Pattern): Capricorn
You will each be tempted to magnify your own virtues and failings. All the positive character traits will be intensified - as will the negative traits. A constant effort should be made to encourage in one another the positive qualities of the zodiac sign you both share and to discourage the negative ones.
Unfavorable Association (4-10 Sun Sign Pattern): Aries and Libra
Not always, but surprisingly often, you will feel a noticeable tension or conflict of personality in the presence of these individuals. One of you may grow restless because of the strict disciplinary attempts of the other. For various reasons, there will always be some mental and emotional restriction.
YOUR LUCKY ELEMENTS
Take a quick look at what is lucky for you.
Birth Stone: Garnet
Lucky Gems: Dark Sapphire
Lucky Colors: Steel Gray, Black and Brown (all dark colors)
Lucky Numbers: 1, 4, 8, 10, 13, 17, 19, 22, 26, 28, 35, 40, 44 (the 1, 4 and 8 series)
Lucky Talisman: The Plough
Lucky Herbs and Flowers: Ivy, Pansies, Hemlock, Hops And Woodbine
Lucky Day: Saturday
FAMOUS PERSONALITIES
Following are some of the famous personalities who were born under your zodiac sign.
1. Muhammad Ali
2. Pablo Casals
3. Benjamin Franklin
4. Joan of Arc
5. Rudyard Kipling
6. Martin Luther King
7. Mao Tse-tung
8. Nostradamus
9. Sir Isaac Newton
10. Elvis Presley
| Your Love is Based on Affection |
Your need for love is very primal and basic. You can't imagine living without love. And for you, love is something that's best expressed through touch. You're always up for a hug or a cuddle. And you feel a bit rejected when you don't get enough affection. Whether you're sharing a blanket or sharing an order of fries, you thrive when you're close to the person you love. |
Why your love can last: You express your love freely and frequently
Why your love can fail: You can come off as clingy, and this freaks people out
m back again...after 4 months..hav't set foot outside the house...havnt met anyone or spoken to anyone..ofcourse..there's barely anyone here..i call up jade in the nights...my net was down since i came back...so till the afternoon today all i did was watch tv like a mindless idiot...
i badly need a fag...*sigh*...im not going to smoke though..*smiles* i've already started getting pissed out here..have already started fighting with my parents...need to come online....but when i get there, there are just so many ppl and their lives that i get involved in...b4 i needed that..needed that so much coz it helped me forget mine for a while..trying to help evry1 is what i based my life around..made it my purpose..*smiles* i got hooked to it..and now...i think, maybe i bit off more than i can chew.... @_@ (where did that come from) i still need to come online..still care bout evry1 who i come across...evry1 i call my friend...but i realise...i cant help anyone...i cant even comfort anymore...its because before i believed i could make a difference...before i believed that if i was convincing enough..people will change their minds..i learnt if a person has already decided to do somthing...nothing i'll say would make a difference...*sigh*
all of u i hold close, all of u who i love...u all know who u are...
i still care...i still need u all to hold on...
im not as strong as i pretend to b..*smiles*..but this time...this time i learnt i'm not that weak either...
so if u decide to walk away...leave me behind...
i'll b ok
how could i have been so stupid....how did i miss those...and how did i see them today...was it because its the 1st time iv'e seen her cry?
how did i not c?..and yet they r there...like shadows...and some of them like tiny scratches...
how did i not know...
how was i so blind?was it cause she always smiled, always laughed and always gave the impression that she could have nothing in the world to worry about...
ow di i manage to b so blind?
A broken smile as she watches them fall,
no one with her but the silent walls,
Tears that speak when words cannot,
of lonliness and anger that for eternity she has fought.
Bright light greets her, but she's cold inside,
dying with every step she takes to feel alive,
The tears that fall, that never dry,
that no one sees each time she cries;
Those tears wash away the guilt that's there
remind her that she's too far gone to care,
when nothing around her seems to be real,
and she'd do just about anything to feel,
because the past is gone....it faded away
and with it the girl of yesterday.
Now all thats left is the shell that cries,
the one killing herself just to feel alive......
hehe..take that evreyone who thinks i wont find a japanese guy..(everyone here in pune cept for sunny...and she says that coz she thinks japanese guys will like big eyes...reason"coz the mongolian guys have liked em)
spoke to jade a few nights back..^_^..for over an hour...that felt sooo good..i really needed that to cheer me up...
lol..the only one i can laugh with about everything in the world is jade...i think i want her to b around whenever i die...we'll sent me off laughing about life and all the bullshit we've been through..plus all the great times we've had..
have no clue what im gonna b doing in my exams..*sigh*..i need a break from pune..but i dont think kochi would b the kindda break i need..especially when i'll have to spend a month there with absolutely no1 i can talk too... i hope i dont get to much of hell for sitting online when i go home..coz thats bout the only thing i will do when i go back
| You Should Date A Japanese Guy! |
 You're an interesting blend of traditonal and modern And a Japanese guy is likely to be on your wavelength Maybe you'll show your love by dying your hair the same color Or get married in a traditional white kimono! |
its been a long long time..have had my exams coming up....
have managed to aquire a new iriitating habit...i cant stand seeing a messy room...and i cant belive i've become like that in less than a month...a month back i lived in a mess...my room has always been this place which would hav been classified as a health hazard by the WHO..i think the logic behind it is that its the only mess that i can clean up...evrything else in my life just keeps going downhill...my studies, my relationships, my health, my sanity..
last night i decided i had had enough.i needed a change and i wanted to feel good about myself for a few hours...the best way for me to get away from evrything and just enjoy being alive is going out clubbing..i dont care about anything in the world when i'm out there dancing m heart out...for that one moment...i care about nothing, and noo ne..its just me and the music...fot that one time...im just me..the girl i get tired of hiding all the time..i think iv allways been the happiest when i can dance..in a typical 'mave' way of saying things..its like making love with the music..lol..i know i sound lame..
anyways i decided i needed to do that...i dont need the booze to enjoy myself at a part...my friends on the otherhand, they do...*laughs*...my drunk roomate dragged a really hot german guy to dance with me...i wanted to shrivel up and die there...was so mad at her...but the guy was nice about it...he said he actually wanted to dance with me and was bout to ask anyways..so we danced...and i actaully had fun..and i thought.."ok maybe this isnt so bad"..i mean how many nights ina year do you get to dance with a totally interesting hot guy who seemes genuinely interested in you...trouble started when he got too interested..*laughs*..i think last night was the 1st time a complete stranger asked me if i wanted to go home with him..*smiles*
he asked me if i had ever been with a forigner...i told him i hadnt ever been with anyone..period..maybe it was the most insane thing to say...and the biggest no-no of the dating game...but it was true..i havnt and my 1st time is not going to b with some random guy at a club no matter how hot he is..
dont get me wrong...he seemed perfectly nice....and the way he touched me..the way he looked at me..and i dont care if he was under influence of all the OH there is in pune..which he wasnt..gah!..i dont even know where im going with this...just that maybe im craving to feel..i dunno..something..anything for so long....that i mite end up doing somthing stupid someday..last night..if i had had a few more vodkas..i doubt if i would hav woken up in my bed in the morning..*sad smile*..maybe a part of me wanted to do somthing reckless last night..i dunno..*shakes head*..
all i know is...i'm bloody confused...and i miss my friends..having them around helped me keep m mind of the fact that im alone...and dont really like that so much a lot of the time...
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