" how can you smile and laugh the way you do and still be so jaded?"

" how can you smile and laugh the way you do and still be so jaded?"

random hot guy aked me that...oh by the way..this is new random hot guy...and like every guy..i'll say he's different...till he gets boring,or irritating,or till he fucks up my mind..*laughs*

but till then..im enjoying his company...

which i will usually be able to before he decides im too weird for him...

i just realised...leaving a very few people..that's what most peopple do...stick around till they decide i'm too weird...

so how can i smile and laugh the way i do and still be so jaded?

more importantly...why do i smile and laugh so much if i AM so jaded....

i smile and laugh..because i need to do somthing normal..somthing that won't make me feel like a depressed, morbid, pessimistic freak

is pessimistic a word?..*shakes head*..anyway moving on..

why am i so jaded...

im 19...i'm turning 20 this year..i've not done anything productive with my life till now....i'm smart..i know i am..and still i make stupid mistake after stupid mistake,

i smoke pot and go.."pfft" when someone says im doing "drugs"

..i used to drink to have fun..now its to get drunk..*laughs*..i hav friends...a few who i'd do anything in the world for...even go on living..but i dunno how long i have till i lose them...the guy i'm closest to..who means the world to me..i've never met him...2yrs of an online friendship..so u mite think i'm a freak,or pathetic..i dont really care...he made a difference..and he's waiting till he saves enough money to get a gun so he can shoot himself...i get randomly run over by some drunk guy and thank my luck that i wasn't raped,outside my house in pune..where i study...i saw a 11 year old girl having sex with her brother...

i see people beg..i know people who do some awful things..and i hang out with them,..coz i hav no choice...i'd rather not b left alone with myself...

im ok with alot of  things i'd never would be with before...i smoke like a chimney..smoke pot more often than i should..im thinking of losing my virginty to some random stranger than a guy who i mite like....

i mean big deal...i dont even kow why i havn't done it yet..ok im scared of the whole concept,im pretty sure im going to suck at it since most of the girls i know have been pretty busy mastering the art for ages..*shakes head*..plus even if its a random guy..it cant be just some random guy..but if it isn't just some random guy..then doesn't the random point just get cancelled?..

ok im babbling like a blithering idiot...

my brother cuts..*shakes head*...i found that out last night..i dunno if he still does but i know he's done it....i saw the scars..

but who am i to worry or judge..itsnot like im better off...when i smoke sometimes..i can feel my chest hurt and my lungs burning...i have mild asthma..im not supposed too..am i trying to hurt myself this way?..i dunno..

talking bout smoking..i badly need a smoke..*sigh*

havnt smoked since sat..and hell its monday today

one of the many reasons i hate being back in pittsvile........